Love of course is not synonymous with marriage. Still, it is the most common reason cited for getting married, for going through all the preparations and expenses, not to mention the tension, for the big day.

There are a host of reasons why people go for marriage. Some do it for the feel of adventure, of the still unexplored. Yuppies who had in their twenties reconnoitered in the corporate terrain and found their niche therein turn to marriage in their thirties for the vision of stability it yields. After the wanderlust (which translated means job hopping), it is time to settle in the vale that is married life (a commonly held concept by the uninitiated).

Others see marriage as a safe harbor, a corner to nurse wounds inflicted by life, a place to heal and be whole again. Unfortunately when marriage turns awry, a life with another could wreck your sense of self and you wish you never got into the situation in the first place. Saddled with kids sand a chain of responsibilities in a marriage gone sour, it could be the coldest corner on earth where once were warmth and tenderness.

Like all good things in life, a good marriage is hard to come by. It is arrived at through much effort, some kind of trial and error. One woman defined a good marriage as “the process of falling in and out love with the same person – over and over again.” Rather than being a sort of steel band, it is more of an accordion. The motion of the accordion vividly impales the great dance of married life.

One unvarying pattern for good marriages exists. Judith Sills in her article The Rhythms of a Good Marriage says, “The pendulum does not swing between closeness and independence at random. Each day has its small swings… Marriage itself is one long, slow process of two people connecting deeply, separating to deal with life, and finally coming back to face other and share what they have learned.” Yet, most expect marriage to be one long, steady ride, a kind of total attachment from which occasional surfacing of emotional distance is terrifying.

Connection and separation, a link is established then cut, and the pattern is repeated again and again. “Picture the two of you standing close, face to face, absorbed in and by each other. You are wrapped together in your love, shutting out the world.” This is the first stage – the idyllic phase. As the years pass, the grip of attachment is diminished and you return to the world, strengthened by the connection. Distance after communion is part of the process. There is need for space after so much closeness, a need to be receptive to the world so when you return to the beloved, you bring an enriched and better you. “You are still holding hands – side by side as a unit – but now each of you is available to pay attention to the outside world. You have energy to devote to work, to creating a family, to independence, friends, activities and opinions.”

Marriage begins with intense intimacy, something not easy to sustain. In the first few months of marriage, you are super close to each other but as the days wear on, intrusive in – laws, needy friends and some crisis or another, easily disrupt the bind. What to do when this occurs? Sills advises couples to be ready for this predictable pulling apart. “Strong couples weather this natural transition from intense intimacy to side-by-side functioning. Then, if you live long enough and your marriage endures, you two will complete the circle: your children grow and leave. Your work diminishes in importance. The two of you turn once again to face each other in an intensely intimate bond. This time what connects you is not the passion and hope you saw in each other initially. Instead, you have the far richer bond of life you’ve built together.” This is what a successful married life is. Obstacles however abound.

Crucial Turning Points

Marriage is like an organism. Its growth and development can be hindered by outside factors. There are three main circumstances where the marital bond could be loosened which if not checked could ultimately lead to separation or a dissolving of the tie. Couples when faced with these situations should be extra careful so as to preserve the marriage.

Here are the following 3 possible marriage-wreckers:

1. The first year of marriage. A lot of work goes into the crucial first year of married life. This is the time when the blinders worn during courtship and the engagement period are put away. Now you see each other, warts and all, everyday, and you have to live with what you see. You will have to get a realistic view of each other. If you disagree on certain issues, you have to confront and thresh out differences, something which you must have ignored before marriage. There is nothing like talking things out to avoid misunderstanding. The sooner you talk things out, the better.

2. When you become a family. Inasmuch as a baby can cement a relationship undergoing adjustments, it could also put a wedge between couples. Expectedly, the intimacy shared before the child arrived is no longer possible. Some might even say, three’s a crowd, even if the newcomer is your child. Sometimes, the new mother gets so immersed in taking care of the baby that she forgets she is neglecting her husband, or that the latter might feel left out without her realizing it. “Some couples disconnect permanently, with Mom or Dad transferring the idyllic attachment of their early love onto the new child.” At all costs, both partners should see to it that they remain one even when they already have a child. One way to achieve this is by involving the other in the care of the child.

3. Handling teen-agers in the house. The difficulty of couples with adolescent children is they face crisis on two fronts. At a time when they are experiencing the pangs of mid-age crisis, they also have to live with kids who are having a crisis of their own. “Either way, when the kids are struggling with hormones, you and your husband are apt to be struggling with midlife blues.” When teachers complain of their kids’ lackluster performance in school, parents are apt to blame each other for this, not realizing either cannot shoulder the burden of blame.

Hurdling these roadblocks to a good marriage should be the lookout of couples determined to make their marriage last. Both partners should strive to make their relationship a tad better day by day, doing away with spurts of resentment and anger by ensuring communication between them on good days but more importantly on trying days when their tempers clash.

Here are 10 suggestions to keep in mind if you want to make your marriage a lifetime honeymoon:

1. Limit criticisms to a minimum. Try to understand the psychology of the other sex. For example, most men like to feel important. They like to be flattered, encouraged and inspired.

Many women make the fatal mistake of belittling their husbands instead of letting them feel they are the most important person in the family. Psychiatrics refer to the process of a wife subjugating her husband to her will as “castration”. Normal women do not wish to dominate a man.

There are also things peculiar to women that men fail to appreciate. Women want to feel secure. They want to feel loved and be made to feel that they are responsible in part for their husband’s success.

Men should realize also that wives do not like to play the mother role to their husbands. They want to look up to a man to respect him for his masculinity.

2. Adopt a courtroom technique for arguments. Make them discussions. It takes two people to engage in an argument. If you can’t discuss your differences, keep your emotions under control, don’t discuss them at all. Usually they are of little importance, anyhow.

3. Give conversation its due: Make it enjoyable by cutting down on recitals of complaints, ailments, bills and worries.

4. Put a stop to sulks, profanity, and name-calling before they become a habit.

5. Examine yourself for your own failings when you are tempted to brood over your partner’s.

6. Kill that impulse to rouse suspicion and jealousy in the partner with reports of flirtatious encounters.

7. Have fun, but have it together: marriage fails flat without shared good times to give it sparkle.

8. In case of infidelity treat it as you would a family illness. Don’t shoot. Do not reach for the sleeping pills or the liquor bottle. Do not go running to a lawyer for a quick divorce. Consult a marriage counselor.

Prevention is the wisest cure. Here, much depends on the wife. She is the pivotal figure in the home. If she is aware of the stress of the times, the tensions and the competition her husband must meet she can offset much of the strain with a kind and tolerant personality.

9. Make marriage a partnership. It implies cooperation and not a competitive struggle for supremacy. A normal husband and wife respect the other partner as an intelligent, sensitive human being. True love is altruistic in quality and incorporates the wishes of the beloved partner.

10. If there is any sexual incapability present, something should definitely be done about it. Couples who don’t get along physically are usually the ones who are constantly bickering.

A frigid wife is apt to be sadistic and difficult to live with. A husband who is sexually inadequate may become a chronic health complainer.

There is no excuse today for sexual unhappiness. There are books containing scientifically oriented sexual information that can be read and psychiatrists are available to help you if your sexual problem is a complicated one.