Love of course is not synonymous with marriage. Still, it is the most common reason cited for getting married, for going through all the preparations and expenses, not to mention the tension, for the big day.

There are a host of reasons why people go for marriage. Some do it for the feel of adventure, of the still unexplored. Yuppies who had in their twenties reconnoitered in the corporate terrain and found their niche therein turn to marriage in their thirties for the vision of stability it yields. After the wanderlust (which translated means job hopping), it is time to settle in the vale that is married life (a commonly held concept by the uninitiated).

Others see marriage as a safe harbor, a corner to nurse wounds inflicted by life, a place to heal and be whole again. Unfortunately when marriage turns awry, a life with another could wreck your sense of self and you wish you never got into the situation in the first place. Saddled with kids sand a chain of responsibilities in a marriage gone sour, it could be the coldest corner on earth where once were warmth and tenderness.

Like all good things in life, a good marriage is hard to come by. It is arrived at through much effort, some kind of trial and error. One woman defined a good marriage as “the process of falling in and out love with the same person – over and over again.” Rather than being a sort of steel band, it is more of an accordion. The motion of the accordion vividly impales the great dance of married life.

One unvarying pattern for good marriages exists. Judith Sills in her article The Rhythms of a Good Marriage says, “The pendulum does not swing between closeness and independence at random. Each day has its small swings… Marriage itself is one long, slow process of two people connecting deeply, separating to deal with life, and finally coming back to face other and share what they have learned.” Yet, most expect marriage to be one long, steady ride, a kind of total attachment from which occasional surfacing of emotional distance is terrifying.

Connection and separation, a link is established then cut, and the pattern is repeated again and again. “Picture the two of you standing close, face to face, absorbed in and by each other. You are wrapped together in your love, shutting out the world.” This is the first stage – the idyllic phase. As the years pass, the grip of attachment is diminished and you return to the world, strengthened by the connection. Distance after communion is part of the process. There is need for space after so much closeness, a need to be receptive to the world so when you return to the beloved, you bring an enriched and better you. “You are still holding hands – side by side as a unit – but now each of you is available to pay attention to the outside world. You have energy to devote to work, to creating a family, to independence, friends, activities and opinions.”

Marriage begins with intense intimacy, something not easy to sustain. In the first few months of marriage, you are super close to each other but as the days wear on, intrusive in – laws, needy friends and some crisis or another, easily disrupt the bind. What to do when this occurs? Sills advises couples to be ready for this predictable pulling apart. “Strong couples weather this natural transition from intense intimacy to side-by-side functioning. Then, if you live long enough and your marriage endures, you two will complete the circle: your children grow and leave. Your work diminishes in importance. The two of you turn once again to face each other in an intensely intimate bond. This time what connects you is not the passion and hope you saw in each other initially. Instead, you have the far richer bond of life you’ve built together.” This is what a successful married life is. Obstacles however abound.